Anyway, rereading these old posts, I find that, perhaps, I am a bit cruel. A bit critical, maybe. If I can’t find something wrong with the music, then it has something to do with their outfits. Or their hair. Or that strange tic in Reina Tanaka’s eye. And while it’s true that all this cruelty is warranted (seriously), I think to myself, “Maybe, for once in my life, I could say something nice. Just one thing. Is it so hard?”

(By the way? It is.)

And so, I have taken it upon myself to find at least one thing that I appreciate about each member of the current lineup of Morning Musume. Because, you know, I’m sixteen now, and I’m feeling rather charitable. (Also, maybe if I’m nice, I’ll finally get some good karma going for me.)

(Also, now that Koharu is graduating, now might be a good a time as any to appreciate this lineup of Morning Musume. They stuck together for two of the most boring years of my life, and in Momusu-years, that is a lot. And they deserve some love for that.)

Without further adieu…if that’s even how you spell it. Because you know what? We need more love for Momusu. No matter how lame they may be.

01. TAKAHASHI AI’S COLLAPSIBLE NOSE

It is no secret that I am a fan of the most boring Musume in existence. I think she’s cute. I think she’s a good singer. She’s become infinitely more entertaining now that she’s leader, but even before then, there was just something about her — she was just nice. There were no added frills or flairs to her personality. She was a nice girl who got her dream of becoming an idol. Which is probably the same reason most people hate her (let’s face it: Kago Ai’s best feature was the fact that she was a crazy bitch and always got away with it), but I can’t help it. Takahashi Ai is exactly the kind of person I’d like to be friends with, and I have to give her credit for that.

But, I must say that she is at her best when she laughs and her nose collapses in on itself, giving the distinct impression of an alien.

02. NIIGAKI RISA’S EXCITEMENT

I wish I could tell you something about Risa. I mean, I just don’t know. She’s cute? I like her voice? I like her energy during concerts? She’s secretly a member of the mafia? I mean, really. She used to be one of my favorites, but then…but then…but then…

But this is a love post, so ANYWAY. I love Risa’s excitement. I love her huge, gigantic, I-am-so-excited-to-be-here-not-even-gonna-lie smile every time she performs. I love her insanely out-of-control hair (seriously, what even happened there?). Whether it’s rain or shine, whether she’s covered in leftover glitter and puffballs or…well, sometimes, I just don’t even know, but she’s smiling. It’s pretty obvious that Risa Niigaki loves her job. And it shows! In fact, some might say that she’s been stealing from Koharu’s coke stash.

(Bonus round! Because you can never have too many Gaki smiles!)

03. KAMEI ERI’S LEVEL UP IN SEXY

Admittedly, Eri sort of inspires some sort of strange, idol-related rage in me. She was so awesome! And then she wasn’t! Just, God, Eri, what are you trying to do to my fragile fan mentality?

But if there’s one good thing about Kamei, it’s that while some Momusu members go from this to this (you have no idea how it pains my soul to say these things about Ogawa Makoto, you really don’t), Kamei goes from this to…well…

This. Yeah.

04. MICHISHIGE SAYUMI

Frankly, there is no need to pick just one thing. She’s Michishige fucking Sayumi. Come on. I could go on forever about her. She’s adorable! She’s strangely intelligent! She stole Kamei Eri’s cookies in 2003 and felt next to no guilt about it! She’s so awesome, the fact that six years’ worth of voice training has only marginally improved her singing means nothing! I think perhaps the better question is, who are you and why don’t you like Sayumi?

05. TANAKA REINA’S BIKINI PHOTOBOOKS

There are a lot of things Tanaka Reina does to piss me off. I have ranted frequently about them, have spoken out against Miss Tanaka, and scowled and mumblegrumbled every time I saw her on screen.

But for all her faults, and her unforgivable hairstyles, and the winking (my God, the winking), I cannot truly and honestly hate Reina. For she has given us all a great gift, one that will last longer than her eye tic or her hideous manner of wearing her hair. And that is the gift of bikini photobooks.

And really, that is the most important gift of all. Especially considering that in a photobook, we can always just skip over the pages where she’s winking.

06. KUSUMI KOHARU’S ENDLESS SUPPLY OF CRACK (+BONUS ROUND: KUSUMI KOHARU’S BIKINI PHOTOBOOKS)

Oh, Koharu. Koharu, Koharu, Koharu. I worry about you, you know that? I know it must be difficult for you, idoling at the tender age of 15…16…however the hell old you are now. I mean, look at Kago Ai. I know that sometimes you must feel the temptation to indulge in some unsavory habits.

But please, Koharu, I beseech you: NEVER STOP DOING IT. Because without it, you’d just be another randomly hot idol who can’t sing. Jpop may be filled with talentless pretty girls, but how many of them act like they’re on speed? Only one, and that is you, Koharu. Never change.

(Bonus round: because, seriously, GODDAMN, KOHARU.)

07. MITSUI AIKA’S NOSE

Mitsui Aika bores me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. It’s been two years now, and time and time again she has failed to impress. Sometimes, I just wish Tsunku would pick someone talented, that way even if they’re boring, they can redeem themselves by being the only good singer in the group. (Hey, Takahashi Ai!) Aika? Bores me. Is not a great singer. Really doesn’t impress me even in a bikini — which is, by the way, a very accurate judge of an idol’s worth.

But if Aika has a redeeming quality, it is that she has, hands down, the most adorable nose EVER. (What? Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed!)

08. JUNJUN’S…UH…JUNJUN’S…HEIGHT?

Oh, Junjun. What am I going to do with you? For me, she and Aika are the only two Morning Musume members without titles. Takahashi is the Boring One, Risa the Cheerful One, Eri the Once-Awesome-Now-Lame One, Sayu the Awesome One, Reina the Winky One, Koharu the Crack Addict, Aika the One that Has an Ianto Nose, and Linlin the Baby-Eater.

Junjun, on the other hand is…the Banana-Eater? I guess we could call her The One that Cries a Lot, but then we’d probably mix her up with, oh, I don’t know, every single Momusu member in the history of ever. Seriously, what can I say about Junjun? She’s just so…blah. So bland and vanilla. Now, you may be thinking, “Uh, Chiakii, you just said you liked Takahashi Ai, I’m not sure your opinion is valid anymore”, but at least Takitty’s nose scrunches up weirdly. What can Junjun’s nose do? Huh? Huh?

…um. Anyway. Love post. Right. Really, though, it’s true: I love that Junjun is tall. You may be thinking, “What does that have to do with anything, Chiakii? Jesus, you’re really grasping here”, but I am 100% sincere. You see, I am 5′7″ (reaching for 5′8″), and my whole life, I have been surrounded by people shorter than me (mostly because I am surrounded by Asians). And thus, I have often listened to sayings like, “You’re so lucky you’re tall” and “I’m too short for this!” But never once in my life have I ever been able to say “You’re so lucky you’re short” or “I’m too tall for this!” Truly, it can be upsetting. Being tall isn’t that much fun! I wish I could be small and adorable like all you 5-foot-1 people out there! And I know in my heart, that now that Iida Kaori has bigger problems, only Junjun can sympathize with my plight. And I love her for that.

09. LINLIN

I love Linlin. I mean, I’m pretty sure everyone knows this, but I have to reiterate every now and then: I love Linlin. How can I describe the depths of my love for her? She is so awesome, in fact, that like Michishige Sayumi, there are too many things for me to sum them up in a title (though you may be interested to know that in the original draft of this, it was “Linlin’s Special Diet”, so…yeah). I mean, where do I even start? Her voice is ridiculous, her face perhaps more so, she’s not nearly as attractive as her fellow panda…but I mean — she’s Linlin. I shouldn’t even have to be writing this. What rock have you been living under, that you do not know the awesomeness of Linlin? HONESTLY.

Admittedly, I did have to reach for a few of these. It’s not that I have severe hatred for anyone in this lineup — severe annoyance, maybe, but it’s not like I sat here going, “Do I have to say something nice about Tanaka Reina? Couldn’t I just make a whore joke and leave it at that?” At the same time, though, my feelings about this lineup as a whole is fairly…okay, then. I don’t hate anyone. I have a lot of love for some members, but it’s not the burning, raging love of yore, and I just…I…*snore*

In a way, I am a bit glad that Koharu is graduating, just to shake things up a bit. I personally was hoping for a simultaneous TakaGaki graduation, with sub-leader Sayumi action. But we can’t all get what we want. And I will miss you, Koharu. *sniff, sniff, sob* Just, please, when you’re out in the world, never forget to keep putting out photobooks. Truly, they mean so much to me.

Anyway.

Platinum 9 Disc has the same problem that Naichau Kamo has: it is boring. It contains some of the most fantastic A-sides Morning Musume has ever released, but those can only get you so far, and how old is Kanashimi Twilight, anyway? I mean…this album came at a seriously bad time.

The covers, though? Are…well, they’re something. I mean, if only for a choice few members. I really don’t know what it says about this new Morning Musume that I have more fun talking about the covers than the actual music. I mean, I don’t want to not like new Morning Musume. My favorite Momusu lineup of all time is the 10nin “Rainbow 7″ lineup. I know what it is like to enjoy the members that no one else likes. I spent a lot of my time in the H!P fandom mumblegrumbling about the Golden Age and all the issues I had with it (in retrospect, I think I just really, really, really, beyond reason, did not like the fourth gen. And I still don’t). And because of my whole supporting-the-underdog thing I have going on, I feel obligated to like this lineup of Morning Musume.

Which isn’t to say that I don’t. I do. With the exception of Reina, Aika, Junjun, and sometimes Eri, I love all the members of this lineup. And for once, there are only two girls that can’t sing, instead of the usual 7 out of 10, or even 8 out of 10 (hey, remember when Momusu was the Abe Natsumi and Special Guest Star Morning Musume show because they couldn’t trust anyone else with solo lines?) — and for a while there, it looked like Tsunku was able to minimize the damage and give them their screentime without ruining the song.

And yet…I feel a bit bored. It’s been a year and a half now, and where is the graduation? The scandal? Seriously, Reina, I’m getting tired of waiting for you. I’m finally getting what I wanted out of Morning Musume — relatively good music, pretty idols, a new favorite member, hell, they even came all the way out to the US. And…I find it hard to care. I don’t know if it’s them or if it’s me, but either way…

ANYWAY. So. The covers. They are bad. They are really, really bad. I mean, sometimes, I lie awake at night thinking, “UFA can’t get any cheaper, can they?” And they do. I don’t know if they spent all their budget on hair curlers, or maybe the silver-titanium blend for the dresses. Either way, there is only one thing that makes these covers good, and that is THE HAIR. Oh, the hair. (Also, Linlin’s dress. You so pretty, Linlin.) I can’t even insult anyone, their hair is so pretty. Even Risa’s hair color is growing on me, and the first time I wrote this draft, I called it a crime against humanity. Though if anyone is going to go blonde, I want it to be Reina.

…so. The album.

I care not for this album. I don’t know quite how to put this, because I do like the music, but…I mean, I just don’t know. Um, let’s try this comparison: this album is to me like Takahashi Ai is to a lot of the blogosphere. On a technical level, it’s good. Great, on occasion. On an emotional level, of having an impact on me and making me care, it does nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. No me importa.

I like Takahashi Ai, though. So what do I know?

Anyway, in order to make this post actually have something to do with the album, here’s a quick rundown:

• All the A-sides are excellent, “Naichau Kamo” excepted. (By the way, this post just hit the word count of 666 with that last sentence. Is it a crime not to like “Naichau Kamo”…?)
• “SONGS”, “Watashi no Miryoku Something Something Jesus Christ Tsunku Would It Kill You To Make These Titles A Little Shorter”, and…actually, no, those are the only ones that I really liked.
• The rest of the songs are good. But boring. WHY.

To be honest, this is the thing I was dreading the most: becoming tired of H!P. I never, ever wanted to be bored with H!P. Whenever I read posts about bloggers who stopped caring, or gave up with this fandom, I wondered if that could ever happen to me. And I thought, “No, Chiakii, when would you ever get bored of H!P’s complete cracktasticness?” And I answered, “Well, Chiakii, the only way H!P could ever be boring is when Tsunku and Koharu stop smoking whatever it is they’re on,” and I said, “Well, that will never happen, so here’s to years and years of H!P love!”

Clearly, it has happened.

…

So…you know. Yeah. I mean, I just don’t know what to say. I feel all empty inside. My reason for blogging has gone poof in a little shower of silver-titanium sparkles. Everything I love about Morning Musume has been wiped away by Risa’s ridiculous…I-was-going-for-the-blonde-dye-but-I-accidentally-grabbed-a-can-of-dulce-de-leche-instead colored hair. Okay, well not really, and you must understand that I love love love “Shouganai Yume Oibito” more than is natural, and I still haven’t told you about my love for Buono!, and I really don’t know where I’m going with this post anymore. The point is: seriously, Morning Musume, what’s up? Why aren’t you wow-ing me like you normally do? I mean, it’s not like it’s hard. I am the easiest person in the world to wow. Ever since “Pepper Keibu”, you just haven’t been the same. Are we still friends? I know I haven’t been around much, but you know, I’m still here for you. Give me a call, okay? We can work through this. Really, we can. I miss you.

I have to admit that I feel utterly lost without thePPN wiki. I can’t remember any release dates. I’m not waiting in anticipation for anything. So when I saw Momusu’s new single pop up on a few music rotation communities, I was utterly confused.

“Wait,” Chiakii says to herself. “That’s not right. That single’s not coming out until, like, April.”

Oh, wait. It’s officially released February 18. Face, meet palm.

I don’t normally judge singles/albums/whatever until I have the actual thing — A-side, B-side, cheap artwork and all. Yes, I saw the PV. Yes, I saw the cover. No, I didn’t listen to the radio rip because the quality is crap, but whatever. Close enough, right? But I just don’t find it fair to judge a song while watching a PV. Some people do, because they can. It’s less clear, in my case. Did I love the single because Takahashi looked awesome in the PV? Did I hate it because Reina still keeps doing that damn thing with her hair? Did it make me hungry because Linlin was scarfing down babies?

However, I finally have my greasy, idol-loving paws on the music itself, and I can safely say: “Naichau Kamo” is okay.

I wasn’t really expecting greatness — I never do with Momusu, really — but I was expecting something more…unique. Or something more mainstream. “Naichau Kamo” sounds like a throwaway Berryz or C-ute single before the Kids starting getting famous. It’s so H!P it hurts. Momusu has never really gotten the brunt of typical H!P songs — though the whole collective does sound similar, Momusu always had an extra oomph to their music, as deserved by the flagship group. And while I didn’t like “Pepper Keibu” (or COVER YOU, despite all the Rent jokes I was able to make with it), it still had that very distinct sound that set it apart from all the other cracktastic songs in H!P. And not just because Tsunku didn’t compose it.

And let’s not get started on the covers. In one of the few instances in H!P’s history, the regular edition is better than the limited one. By leaps and bounds. And the Single V trumps them all.

And because it just hurts to look at the other covers, I’m just going to break down the Single V one.

Oh, Single V. You’re too sexy for this single. It’s true. The girls are all in very attractive poses (no floating in the air or eating each others’ legs in this one), they all have nice facial expressions on, the colors work well, and they are mostly all in very cute clothes. The background is plain but not in a bad way and it’s just…okay, so I’ve seen better, but not outside of H!P, so we’ll leave it at that. This Single V could eat all the other ones alive. (Okay, except for Miss Love Tantei. That was a nice cover if I ever saw one.)

I love Sayu’s stockings. I do I do I do. I like her whole outfit in general, actually. Though if you ask me, all the girls could benefit from not wearing jackets. It covers up their otherwise cute outfits.

Also, HEY THERE KOHARU. This girl is so gorgeous. I don’t know how, but she manages to shock me every time with her random hotness. I am very jealous.

What is up with Junjun’s hat. And Eri’s head-scarf-thing, for that matter. Leopard print and pink? Where the hell did that come from?

Also, Linlin is cute.

(The rest is not worth commenting on.)

What is up with the rainbows? This single is called I Might Cry, people! Yeesh.

And thus, another H!P video begins. I have to admit, when I first started writing this, I had more to say. But over time, I just…lost interest in the song as a whole. Is it possible to declare this song anathema from the Morning Musume discography? Seriously. Like, remember back when the Berryz were really only worth paying attention to for Risako fanservice? This song could easily be from that era.

(I’m boring myself just writing this recap. SIIIGH. If I was smart, I’d write about something that actually interested me. Like their other single. But I couldn’t forgive myself if I left a gap in my Momusu-recapping…chronology thing. Whatever. It’s late and I’m tired. If I was really smart, I’d do this in the morning. Yeah. This is the longest, least important paragraph I’ve ever written, ever. Why are you still reading this, dinkus?)

Well, whatever. It’s not like this is the worst thing H!P has ever put out — Risako and the Con-Fettis comes to mind — and it’s not like this is the most boring video by far. (Well, maybe it is.) Anyway. I am going to review this goddamn single, and I am going to like it. YEAH!

I wish I could tell you something positive about Reina. Y’see, I feel I need to explain why I’ve been MIA. So, here goes: Broadway ate my life. No lie. I’ve been spending my days sitting around watching YouTube bootlegs of shows and rocking out to my Original Cast Recordings. Instead of writing up reviews and recaps, I’ve been watching the Tony awards. I squealed with joy when Alice Ripley won her Tony. I let out sobs of bitterness when my beloved [title of show] did not win Best Book. (Okay, so I didn’t cry. But I was disappointed — I’m sure Billy Elliot is a great show, but…okay, anyway.) The point is: my H!P fandom has been waning rapidly.

So, these past few months, I’ve been popping in my old concert DVDs and trying to revive the love. And I was hit with…nostalgia. I missed the days of watching Takahashi Ai bawl her eyes out at graduations. Of Yoshizawa Hitomi slicking her hair back (oh, God, those were dark days). Of Tanaka Reina, back before she dyed her hair and made a whole ton of people want to kill her.

And so…I look at Reina now, and think, “Jesus Christ, quit wearing your hair like that!“

I know. You probably thought I was going somewhere with that whole, nostalgia, revival-of-fandom thing. Well. I wasn’t. But watching Reina with her nice black hair, all pretty and smooth and NOT CURLY, gave me the inspiration to go back to this post and bitch about how much I hate her hair some more.

Oh, I’m not even joking.

I…have no feelings either way on Gaki. She’s great to watch in concert, all smiles and cheers, but in PVs? God. Seriously, this PV has NOTHING.

Eri’s still boring. Thank God, I was so worried she might’ve, you know, gotten her personality back while I’ve been away.

What is up with Ai’s scarf.

Iroppoi kyuupido…oh, wait, I’m thinking of that other song. You know. The one I actually like.

(Too harsh? Too harsh. Sorry.)

Well, if anything, this PV has wet Musumes. We all know how important that is for…pretty much everyone watching. And, you know, just in general.

And Reina IS STILL DOING THAT THING WITH HER HAIR. Seriously! Stop it already! If it isn’t those crazy curly twintails, it’s this weird, on-the-side-of-her-head thing. Just wear it straight, is it so hard?

I am, however, really fond of that scarf thing in her hair.

Whoa, Takahashi. You know, in some countries, that’s…not very nice.

I must say that Ai really does look quite attractive without that scarf.

*snore*

DAMN, KOHARU. Seriously, do you think Tsunku’s psychic or something? Do you think he knew Koharu was going to grow up to be so magnificently hot? I cannot think of any other reason he might’ve added her into Morning Musume. Because…I mean, come on. Just look at that cap. You don’t even have to read the text. Just…look at it.

I think Koharu, Rika, Manoeri, and Sayumi should form their own subgroup. They should call themselves Gravure Musume. They don’t even have to sing. They could just release photobook, after photobook, after photobook…

And, oh, look, they finally deigned to give us a shot of Sayu. Man, I love Sayumi. I can’t even describe it to you. I mean, look at her! The cap! The sad-puppy expression! I sincerely cannot wait for the day that Sayumi becomes leader of Morning Musume. No, really.

Unless something hilarious comes up, I’m just going to stop showing pictures of the dance shot. The only thing that makes it worthwhile is the fishnets.

Hey, look! We’re 136 caps in, and here’s Aika! Hi, Aika!…Good Lord, I find this girl boring. I’m sorry. (By the time I’m done with this thing, “boring” probably won’t even look like a word anymore.) She’s cute, but…I mean, there’s nothing for me to tell you. Sometimes, I lie awake at night, wishing Tsunku had added those other chicks. Or that Linlin would just eat her already.

Speaking of which…is that Linlin, or Aichan on a bad day? I can’t tell. I mean, I think it’s Linlin, but…I don’t even know.

I felt the need to include this cap because…Eri’s hot, okay. I have no other reason.

And, okay, 174 caps in and now we’ve got Junjun.

Hey, when do you suppose we’ll see Linlin? Who? You know. High-pitched voice? Brown hair? No, not the winky one. The other one…sigh.

To be fair, this PV is pretty decent about giving all of them screentime. I’ve got about 450-something caps, and we’ve seen everyone at least once within the first 200. (Linlin’s first closeup is at 192, if you’re interested.)

…I’m just throwing that out there.

Ah, at long last, it’s Linlin!

And Junjun has mysteriously lost her hat. Yeah, I don’t know either.

I’m trying to think of ways to make reading this worth anyone’s time…I can’t think of anything. Have some fishnets. (Sidebar: I’m pretty sure Koharu is the squatting one, Risa is the one in the back, Reina is the one in the red, and Takahashi’s the one clamping her legs together. I keep flipping back and forth to ascertain where they’re standing.)

Okay, this. Every time Reina is required to act sad, she makes this face. All the time! I can’t even describe how much it irritates me. I’m not even sure why it irritates me, but it does. Good Lord.

I wish I could give you something. I wish I could tell you, “Well, at least the PV is amazing” or “At least the song is great” or even “At least the B-side is, like, the God of B-sides.” But I’ve got nothing. Really, I don’t. It’s not even a bad song. It’s just so…bland. Boring. It’s not worthy of Morning Musume, and believe me, it’s not hard to be worthy of Morning Musume. No one does anything remotely entertaining (except Koharu and Sayumi, who stand around looking hot), and they don’t even look that sad. The dance is boring and so are their costumes. Their set is hideous. The PV has nice enough effects, and I guess I do kind of like that whispery thing they do during the song, but…you know, I don’t like it enough.

I just…yeah, no.

I love Linlin’s hair. Look at it! LOOK AT IT, UNDER THAT WEIRD FURRY THING ON HER HEAD.

And then the PV ends.

“Yowamushi” is typical B-side fare. It’s slightly more interesting than “Naichau Kamo”, but on the other hand, it’s not like that’s a hard thing to do. But believe me, it is still boring. It’s a slower song, to boot, and we know how those turn out in H!P.

So you know. That happened.

]]> http://www.cultofpop.com/shabondama/2009/06/13/so-theres-this-single-right/feed/ http://www.cultofpop.com/shabondama/2009/05/10/510-day-oh-gocchin-how-far-youve-come/ http://www.cultofpop.com/shabondama/2009/05/10/510-day-oh-gocchin-how-far-youve-come/#comments Mon, 11 May 2009 03:32:28 +0000 Chiakii http://www.cultofpop.com/shabondama/?p=292 (Whoa, May already? Holy Moses on a cracker. I’m scrambling to finish my chem homework, so this’ll be short. Seriously. Wow. Holy bananafish.)

Ah, it’s strange to know that at this time last year, we thought that Gocchin was gone, lost to the unending depths of that thing known as “post-idol life”–and she taught us that yes, such a thing exists. There is, in fact, life outside the Hello! Project. Life on avex, no less. (We thought that was just a myth.)

(We, Chiakii? Yes, we. Me and my multiple personalities. DUH. KEEP UP.)

So, congratulations, Gocchin. I said I’d never forget you, but to be honest, I haven’t listened to anything you put out yet. Your new hair is AWESOME, though.

Well, 2008 is winding down. We’re getting ready for 2009. I can’t think of anything important that will be happening to me personally in 2009. I might get my learners’ permit or something. (I’m sure that’s such a good idea. Set Chiakii loose on the roads of San Francisco.)

However! Some blogs are choosing to honor the artists that they felt brought the awesome this year. Some are writing long, heartfelt posts about how 2008 did/didn’t live up to their expectations. Everyone will look back at pengie’s predictions for 2008 and see whether or not they came true.

But I’m not those blogs! Instead, I’m going to wrap up 2008 in dialogue format and be rude about all the releases I secretly loved. Because I am a bitch.

I actually did something like this in 2007. I called it “2007 in a Nutshell” (because I’m so creative). I didn’t finish it in time. Pity, too. There were quite a few gems in there.

So, Soap Bubble brings you…2008 in a Nutshell!

* Note: I really don’t remember half of what happened this year. And frankly, I don’t care about half of the stuff that did. Just warning you, in case something epic happened in August that skipped over.

JANUARY

V-U-DEN: We’re breaking up!
BLOGOSPHERE: …we don’t care.
V-U-DEN: But…but…Rika’s fanservice! Erika’s voice! YUI’S BOOBS. FOR GOD’S SAKE, THINK OF THE BOOBS.

AYU: I’m going deaf!
BLOGOSPHERE: Oh, Ayu.
CERTAIN BLOGGERS: Well, that explains a lot about her…

H!P KOUHAKU PERFORMANCE: *fails. Oh, it fails so hard.*
AKB KOUHAKU PERFORMANCE: *fails even harder*
THAT ANNOYING CELLPHONE SONG: God help us all…*becomes a single*

GREAT ABE & YAJIMA: HEY THERE.
FANS: Okay, seriously, I give. The AKB48 fandom’s still taking new members, right?

FEBRUARY

MIKI: So now not only was I a badass bitch, I now sing old lady music!
YUKO: *cries into beer*

…wait, Yuko totally wouldn’t do that. Let me revise.

MIKI: So now not only was I a badass bitch, I now sing old lady music!
YUKO: *goes on murderous rampage*
H!P.COM: And we’re sorry to announce the sudden graduations of several Eggs. They, uh, went back to school…IN NAKAZAWA YUKO’S BASEMENT.

PERFUME: SNEAK ATTACK! We’re the top girl group in Japan!
MORNING MUSUME: What the actual fuck.
WOTA: If Miki were leader, those Perfume bitches would be six feet under by now.

C-UTE: LALALALALALALALA
CON-FETTIS: *kidnap!*

ONGAKU GATAS: We have an album!
BLOGOSPHERE: And it is AWESOME.
UFA: You don’t know it, but you just screwed yourselves. NO ONGATAS FOR YOU.

MARCH

MANOERI: I’m a soloist! Yay me!
BLOGOSPHERE: …what.
MANOERI: Why…why aren’t you yay-ing? Look! I have a piano!

MILKYWAY: Hey look, new unit!
KUSUMI KOHARU: :D?
FANS: Oh my GOD, Kikkawa Yuu! We thought you were locked up in the H!P Vault, never to see light again!
KOHARU AND THAT OTHER CHICK: *facepalm*

BERRYZ KOUBOU: GENGHIS KHAN!
GENGHIS KHAN: *rolls around in his grave*

APRIL

AIBON: I’M BACK, BITCHES.
SOME FANS: Fuck YES!
OTHER FANS: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

RESONANT BLUE: *is fierce*
CHIAKII: *can’t believe she actually used the word “fierce”*
TAKAHASHI AI: *is really randomly hot*
NIIGAKI RISA: *is a hobo*
LINLIN: HAVE ANY BABIES LATELY?

V-U-DEN: Without saying a word, we’re going to cover a song from Morning Musume’s 4th album and hope no one notices.
FANS: Why the fuck are you performing a cover song for your final single? Honestly.
V-U-DEN: Well, hell.

MUTOU MIKA: See ya.
BLOGOSPHERE: Aww damn, then who’s going to be the butt of our jokes?

AYAKA: LOLOL BYE.
FANS: You’re still here?!

MAY

TSUNKU: KANASHIMI WO RIZONANTOOOOOO~~
FANS: Oh HELL NO.

AYAYA: Hi, new single here.
NO ONE: *cares*

JUNE

MIYABI: I totally do not have a boyfriend.
INCRIMINATING VIDEO: Oh, you so do.
PRESS: *lays surprisingly low*
SCANDAL: *COMPLETELY BLOWS OVER*
FANS: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD WE LIVE IN?

OGAWA MAKOTO: I’M BACK, BITCHES.
FANS: …and you are?

HIGH-KING: *BRINGS THE SEXY, YES THEY DO*
SAKI: *sprouts Reina’s tails out of her head*
TAKAHASHI AI: MUST TOUCH FACE.

BUONO!: We’re here with our awesome music and our awesome socks! Watch us pwn the entire Kids collective!
BLOGOSPHERE: Is it possible to procreate with a pair of shoes? Is the urge to do so even natural?

GOTO MAKI: I’M BACK, BITCHES. ON AVEX.
FANS: Fuck. Yes. KODA KUMI, EAT YOUR HEART OUT.
MATSUURA AYA: Well, fuck.

JULY

AYAKA: Remember me? I’m totally married now.
FANS: Seriously, WHO ARE YOU?

MONKEYZ BERRYZ KOUBOU: We’re MONKEYS! Monkey daaaance!
COSPLAYERS: HOT DAMN.
EVERYONE ELSE: Dude, aren’t they like 16?!

AUGUST

…okay, seriously, nothing happened in August.

SEPTEMBER

HAROMONI@: See ya.
FANS: Oh, thank God.

MORNING MUSUME: PEPPAAA KEIBU!
TAKAHASHI AI: My legs are AWESOME.
WOTA: Takahashi Ai’s legs…or Pink Lady’s legs…I’m so torn!

ONGAKU GATAS: Another single, etc etc etc.
NO ONE: *cares*

EVERY DEAD H!P GROUP AND SOLOIST EVER: Our best-of albums are all coming out on the same day in December! This isn’t ominous or anything, though!

OCTOBER

YOSHIZAWA HITOMI: RAWR!
ISHIKAWA RIKA: PHWOAR!
NO ONE: *takes them seriously*
ISHIYOSHI: FAAANSERVICE!
WOTA: FUCK YES, AFTER 8 YEARS OF WAITING!

ELDER CLUB: So, yeah, remember all those not-ominous releases? They were SO VERY OMINOUS, ’cause we’re all leaving! See ya!
WOTA: What.
FANS: What.
BLOGOSPHERE: What.
AKB48: *wins*

OHORI MEGUMI: I’m slutty!
EVERYONE: Okay, who the hell are YOU?

NOVEMBER

It was announced that Iida Kaori’s son passed away, and it’s really not funny in the slightest. So let’s just take a moment of peace.

KOUHAKU: So, lol, we don’t love H!P anymore. Good luck finding new fans! Later!
H!P: Yeah? Well, we don’t NEED you and your stupid PERFORMANCE! All you care about is SMAP anyway! We’ll go do our own performance! With blackjack! And Reina hookers!
FANS: The world is ENDING.

JUNJUN: So, are we a thing?
LINLIN: Darling, we’re everything!
TAKAHASHI AI: Live in my house, I’ll be your shelter –
KUSUMI KOHARU: Just pay me back with one thousand kisses!
MICHISHIGE SAYUMI: Be my lover…
MITSUI AIKA: And I’ll cover youuuuu~
THE ABOVE SIX LINES: *are more awesome than the album, sadly enough*

DECEMBER

Nothing really happened in December, either. Not that I remember, anyway. Or care about.

FIN.

So, I figure, I should probably talk about how Soap Bubble lived up to my expecations for 2008. Which would be fine and dandy if I had expectations for 2008. I didn’t. At the time of this writing, Soap Bubble has 48 posts and 37 (!) drafts. About 10 of those were my H!P rankings and an explanation of every. single. damn. one. However, here are some topics that I started but did not finish (but sincerely hope to do so in the near future). Just so you can get a look into what Chiakii writes about, but never reveals:

• Going Way Way Back: My Love for Kuraki Mai (I’d love to finish this one, one day. Because I really do love Miss Kuraki, and “Diamond Wave” was one of my first introductions to Jpop.)
• 2007 in a Nutshell: Hirano Aya (It’s kind of late for this one, unfortunately, but I’d love to finish this one as well. Hirano Aya was my very first Jpop love, and I want to document my love, disappointment, and dirty thoughts about her. Not necessarily in that order.)
• New Discoveries: Anyband - TPL (Again, also too late. I don’t think I can call Anyband a “new discovery” for me anymore. But Anyband is pretty great.)
• Going Way Way Back: Wink’s “Especially For You” (Meh. If it gets done, it’ll get done. I don’t exactly make a secret of my Wink love, so I don’t mind not having a full-blown post about them.)
• New Discoveries: Epik High - “One” (Another late one. Still would like to write about this song. I love it so much, and I still listen to it far too often.)
• New Discoveries: Elva Hsiao - “Biao Bai” (Oh, dear, this one is really old. But I still love Elva, so we’ll see.)
• The Untitled SNSD Post (Because I am also a fan of SNSD.)
• v-u-den in Retrospect (This was a big, epic series I was planning to do leading to the breakup of v-u-den. Uh, yeah. It’s that old. When they were over and it still wasn’t even close to being ready, I ended up changing tenses. I ended up editing it even further months after it. Maybe I’ll post the first draft, in all its retro glory.)
• Something or Other Concerning Mako’s Comeback (Oh, how naive I was.)
• A Whole Shitload of Ayumi Hamasaki Posts (Um. Yeah. I’d really love to do these, because much as I love her, Ayu is so snarkable. Really. She puts caterpillars on her eyelashes. What’s not to make fun of?)
• A Few Amuro Namie Thingermabobbers (Namie’s not my favorite person ever, so these may never see the light.)
• JYONGRI - “Possession” (Meh. I don’t love this song as much as I used to.)
• Utada Hikaru - “Bohemian Summer 2000″ (Mostly so I could write a whole essay on why Utada Hikaru is not sexy, no matter how hard she may try. Really, that was my only reason. I know.)
• Ayu Ready? Those Damn Jpop Singers in America (This one I worked really hard on. I had a whole list of artists and a criteria and it was pretty damn awesome, if I do say so myself. I might finish it.)
• Going Way Way Back: Sister Q and Perfume (Another one I’d love to finish. I don’t know why. I just like it.)
• BoA in America (Whatever.)
• Nobody, Nobody But You (Pretty much a recap of “Nobody” by Wonder Girls. I did have a mildly interesting paragraph on why JYP’s cash cow management > Tsunku’s and SM’s.)
• 10 Favorite B-Sides (Jeez. This one has been on the backburner forever. Basically 10 B-sides I love. I think it’s still pretty interesting. If not particularly relevant anymore.)
• Monkeyz Koubou/The Con-Fetti Revenge/The Escape of C-ute (More installments in my Con-Fetti series. Pretty much me just mocking the cracktasticness of the Kids’ latest singles. Or, well, their latest singles at the time…)
• Loving Buono! (This one has existed since the release of “Honto no Jibun”. No, I’m serious. Mostly me talking about how I tried to resist Buono!, but couldn’t.)
• Ongaku Gatas Does: The Lamest Rendition of “The Peace!” I Have Ever Seen (It’s better than it sounds. Though not cool enough for me to finish, probably.)
• Corrupting Your Friends: Kanon Wakeshima is Watching You (This one is also pretty old, it’s from the release of “still doll”, which my friend introduced me to. Again, never finished it. I think I was just too lazy to download and screencap the PV. Yeah, I know.)
• We’ve All Got Our Junk (Comparison of Momusu stage shows to ones that I’ve seen in America. It’s…got nothing in it, it was just an idea. Also, I wanted to use a Spring Awakening lyric in the title of an entry, at least once. “My junk is Morning Musume”? I guess I could’ve used Totally Fucked, instead.)
• Shinoda Mariko - “Pendulum” (I’ve been wanting to write about AKB48 for a while now. I was going to write a SRSBNS post about their music and image and shit…but then I realized, all I really want to do is ramble on about Mariko’s rack. Or lack thereof. Um. Yeah. I think you get the general idea of what this post was about.)

…whoa. I’m lazy.

Also, my blog has 67 comments. Seriously. I’d tell you guys to step it up, but that’s kind of ridiculous of me, since I rarely comment on blogs. A lot of the time, I feel like there’s nothing I can add to the discussion — or, if there is something I can add,  it becomes so convoluted that it becomes its own post. At the same time, I don’t feel right leaving a “Great post, go you” comment. I don’t know how to leave a comment that contributes without turning it into my own full-fledged post. So, there’s that. Just something I wanted to say. There aren’t really even any blogs in particular I follow — I check IW, and if there’s a post about a topic that interests me, I click on it. I don’t tend to read any specific blogs. The only two blogs I follow semi-religiously would be American Wota and unchained, and not for the reasons you may think. They’re both fantastic bloggers, doubtless, but I tend to read them regularly because of a nostalgia factor — they were the blogs that got me into blogging. I reread old posts on unchained and think, “Haha, I remember this.” I have a very short attention span, and following the 200+ blogs that many IW contributors do exhausts me. If a blog, no matter how well-known, covers something I’m interested in, I will read it. (Normally after it’s been covered on IW. Whoops. Guys, feel free to kick me off at any time. D:). If a blog, no matter how well-known, covers something that I don’t particularly care for, I’ll probably skip over it. Probably not the best method of operation, but that’s…just how it is. I don’t know. I have a lot of weird feelings about the blogosphere — not negative, just weird. It’s strange to be so worried about what the Internet thinks of you, but there you have it.

Um. Moving on. Soap Bubble was started in March 2007. However, I tend to think of May 2007, and my posts about the Tsuji Nozomi thing, as its real birthday. My earlier posts weren’t very good — I was trying to get comfortable with writing a blog. I’d kept a few personal blogs (you know, the whiny emo-kid kind), but those were different. Putting out your opinions about your own life is safer. No one can really refute how you feel about your situation, because they aren’t going through it. Blogging about Jpop, however, is different. People have different opinions on the same material. There’s debate! Discussion! Sexual harrassment! May 2007 is when I think I found my, er, groove (for lack of a better word), blogging-wise, and I mark that as Soap Bubble’s beginning. I honestly didn’t even notice when my blog passed the one year mark. March-May 2008…I was at school most of the time, running tech for our musical. Those months involved a lot of going to school at 7 in the morning and coming home at 11:30 at night. I did my homework and passed out. Soap Bubble was very low on my list of priorities. I missed Cake Day at Intl Wota due to tech (I also signed on to do the dance concert and the fall play). I have a very short attention span — I didn’t expect to last for over a year. I definitely didn’t expect to be recognized the way I am. (Wow. That sounds conceited.) Er, to clarify, everyone in the blogosphere is recognized. No one is left in the background, writing posts that no one reads, and that’s something I really like about it. As someone who is rarely noticed in real life (yeah, yeah, yeah, quit bawww-ing Chiakii), I have to admit that one of my favorite parts of blogging is getting recognized. Having people say, “I really like your blog,” “You’re so funny,” etc. It’s a great boost to my rather fragile ego, I have to say.

It’s really strange how this post started out as a snarky look at 2008 and turned into a ~deep feelings~ post about blogging and things like that. I guess everyone else was doing it? I don’t know.

To lighten up the situation, here’s the unfinished 2007 in a Nutshell:

JANUARY

YOSSIE: Hey guys! I’m finally leaving Momusu!
WOTA: Egao Yes Nude…Egao Yes Nude…what could this mean? ARE THEY NUDE? ARE THEY FINALLY NUDE?
YOSSIE: *facepalm*

MORNING MUSUME TANJO 10NEN SOMETHING SOMETHING: We’re the tenth anniversary unit, here to bore you with songs and provoke even MORE fans into Golden Age vs. Now debate. Everyone…go!
FANS: GOLDEN AGE FOREVER!
RISA AND KOHARU: *facepalm*

JUNEN AI: Morning coffee and love machines, can you see the Osaka love connections between these songs? Souda, you must be alive if you can!

FANS: WE WANT AIBON BACK!

FEBRUARY

MORNING MUSUME: Hello, we are Morning Musume, this is our 32nd single “Egao YES Nude”, in which we wear clothes! HA HA!
WOTA: We ain’t buying nothing until you indulge us, dammit! We’ve worshiped you for a good ten years, and we don’t get shit in return!
EGAO YES NUDE PV: *features major Momusu gropage*
WOTA: *buy single*

AIBON: I’m back!
FANS: THANK GOD! WE’VE BEEN CHANTING SINCE 2006!

MARCH

TSUNKU: Hi, I’d like one order of kung pao chicken and two orders of a Chinese girl to add to an idol supergroup kthx. Do you deliver?

AIBON: Later dudes.
FANS: *cry*
ISHIMOTO YASUYUKI: Haha, I win.

APRIL

KANASHIMI TWILIGHT: *is badass*

MAY

YOSSIE: Don’t cry or I’ll kick your ass.
EVERYONE: *cries*

MIKI: *is leader*
WOTA: HOT DAMN.

In which Ultraman does renai revolutions with…Nono?

TSUJI: Preggers, btw.
EVERYONE: Wait, you mean you actually know what sex is?

JUNE

MIKI: Fuck this. *gets a boyfriend*
FRIDAY: We love you!
MIKI: Jesus Christ, not you too.

FANS: MIKI YOU BETRAYED US!
MIKI: LOLZ WHOOPSIE

UFA: You have two choices: leave Momusu, or stop being leader of Momusu and leave.
MIKI: I’ll leave.
UFA: ‘Kay, but because your wota are freakier, we’ll still let you do stuff, unlike Mari, who is still not singing even though she actually apologized. But hey, technicalities!
MIKI: *wins*

TAKAHASHI: *is leader*
WOTA: WILL YOU PUNISH US, TAKAHASHI-SAMA?!
TAKAHASHI: HOLY JESUS. *hides behind Junjun*

JULY

MORNING MUSUME: Men suck! That’s why our cult of techno-chickens is all-girl!
MALE WOTA: HOT DAMN.
MORNING MUSUME: *facepalm*

KONNO: I’m back!
FANS: Is Aibon with you?
KONNO: *facepalm*

OGAWA: I love New Zealand!

IIDA: Hey, I returned from the land of H!P Obscurity to say…I’m pregnant! Ironically, I was also Tsuji’s mentor!
FANS: Yeah, great, whatever.
IIDA: ;_; I just committed the greatest act of H!P Indiscretion, and NO ONE CARES? THEY DON’T EVEN BOTHER TO FRIDAY ME? WELL FINE!
RANDOM PERVY FAN: Psst, Iida’s hot when she’s pregnant.
FANS: Okay, seriously, you’re a sick…oh, hey, wow.
IIDA: *basks*

AUGUST

In an UFA office somewhere in the depths of Japan…

TSUNKU: *smokes unidentifiable substance*
[beat]
TSUNKU: I JUST HAD THE MOST BRILLIANT IDEA!

TSUNKU’S BRILLIANT IDEA: *is put into effect*
KOHARU AND MAIMAI: Wipe your nose!
H!P FANS: You’re…you’re kidding, right?

MORNING MUSUME TANJOU 10NEN KINENTAI: You were the crappiest friend I ever had…but I love you.
IIDA’S LEGS: *are awesome*
NACCHI: *walks on water*
KOHARU: *doesn’t brush her hair*
MAKI: *looks like Yaguchi*
RISA: *does nothing interesting*

SEPTEMBER

AYA THE NEWSCASTER: Thought I couldn’t get more boring? Well, you’re WRONG! Stock prices have fallen 2% in the past week!
HETEROSEXUAL MALES: *suddenly find stock prices fascinating*

KOHARU: If you’re done wiping your nose, I’ll have you know that I look excellent in a bikini.
WOTA: So wrong…yet SO RIGHT.
MYSTICAL FEMALE FAN: DAMN YOU KOHARU.

EGAO PV: *rips off the Itoshiki Tomo e set*
ME: Wow. Up-Front is REALLY cheap.
UFA BUDGET: *cries*

FIN.

Also? I wrote this post while listening to the new Britney Spears album. I love it, it’s so catchy!

…aaaand that was Chiakii single-handedly driving off her audience. Sorry guys!

So. Let’s talk Cover You.

Now, for something a bit different, I’m going to start off talking about the covers! Because I really do like these covers. Most of the girls look really good and most of them are in flattering poses.

Notice, however, that I said “most.”

Okay, first of all? The design of the covers is great. The flowers, the text, the background — it fits together very well. The girls are all wearing really nice clothes and it’s just very well put together. Let’s see which girls were lucky enough to get sober stylists this time around:

Takahashi’s clothes are pretty nice — I have the feeling that on any of the other girls, they’d probably look horrendous, but she manages to pull it off. Her expression is kind of…blank. I can’t think of any way to elaborate on it. It’s just completely blank of any expression. Also, where the hell did her legs go? Are she and Koharu conjoined twins now or something?

Moving on, when did Risa suddenly age about 10 years? Maybe it’s the quality of the picture, rather than her actual face, but she looks very weathered and worn. Not to mention, she’s going for sexy, but she ended up vapid. Just like in Resonant Blue. Smile, girl! Also, they need to stop curling her hair so much. It does not look good. Her clothes are okay, though. Her shirt’s neckline is too low, though. She needs to wear another one under it or something, or wear a smaller necklace. It just looks…weird. All that skin.

Which brings us to…Kamei. Oh, Eri. Eri, Eri, Eri. Maybe I’ve been lulled into a false sense of security by you lately. Maybe without Kago around, they felt someone needed to wear it. Maybe the 12-step program just wasn’t working out for your stylist. Either way…THE GRANNY BUN IS BACK, GUYS. And it is not fabulous. It is, in fact, the opposite of fabulous. And she almost looked good in this one! I mean, I don’t like her outfit — a turtleneck? Really? And what is up with that dress? — and it kind of looks like she’s got a unibrow…okay, let’s face, Kamei really didn’t get a good deal, here. Whatever. I’m still indifferent about her.

But it’s okay, because Sayu never fails to disappoint. The girl could wear a paper sack and still rock it. Her headband is pretty cute — the poof on it is kind of big, but it’s not horribly distracting or anything — and her vest-thing is pretty cute, too. Her headband actually matches her shirt!  That’s…I can’t tell if that’s adorable or frightening. It’s like how Elizabeth Wakefield’s barrettes used to match her shirt. (I don’t even know if anyone who reads this blog was ever a fan of Sweet Valley. I think I’m alone in my sentiment.) Who goes hunting for headbands that match your shirt perfectly? Whatever. It’s Sayu, and she makes it work.

Reina is kind of bleh for me. Her clothes are okay. I like her skirt. But the rest of her outfit is so plain. I’d prefer a different hairstyle on her, as well. Her sunglasses are cute, though. She also happens to be the only member that has legs, apparently. Congratulations.

Koharu’s outfit is actually the most eye-grabbing for me. The bright yellow of her headband works very well with her dark hair, and it looks nice with the bright pink dress. Even though, that is one damn big bow on her headband there. What is it with Koharu and head-eating bows? The dress kind of billows out unflatteringly, but it isn’t that bad, really. But what is she standing on? There rest of the girls are sitting, and Koharu’s just…floating there. I guess we can’t question it too much. She is the Miracle Girl.

Strangely enough, it mostly goes uphill after this. Aika is…adorable. That’s all I can say. The pearls and the shirt automatically made me think “old lady”, but for once she actually looks much younger. Her hair is really nice, too. A+, Aika.

Junjun’s outfit would probably be horrendous on another person, but she pulls it off nicely. There’s a nice contrast going on, and it looks good on her. The turtleneck makes me a bit iffy, but it’s really not bad at all and I’m liking the side ponytail on her. Four for you, Jun.

And of course, there’s Linlin. Something about her face (mostly her smile here) reminds me of the Thea on the Spring Awakening tour — which is definitely a good thing; Kimiko Glenn is adorable. Of course, upon further inspection, there’s really no resemblance, but that was a very nice first impression to make on me, Lin. I love her hair here. The bun in the back, I could probably do without, but on second thought, the headband probably wouldn’t work as well if the bun wasn’t there. The dark color and long bangs look very nice, and her outfit is not half as awful as some of the others. I have a feeling, though, that that shirt could stop traffic close-up.

I love how colorful the cover is. Even though the rainbows give me more of a ’60s feel than a ’70s one. But then, what do I know? I was born in 1993. For me, retro indicates leopard print and slap bracelets. (Those things hurt.) Anyway, I am liking this cover already. If anything, it’s not worse than the regular one. I’m too lazy to go over this again, so let’s just look at the improvements:

Whoa, Takahashi’s tights, whoa. They are awesome. Look at them! The blue! They just…I can’t find a good enough adjective to describe them. Just stare at them. Really. Also, her expression has improved. She looks…well, okay, she didn’t make it all the way to sultry, but she’s not completely blank. We’re moving up!

I love how Kamei and Mitsui are pressing their hands together. Maybe Aika’s trying to transfer her awesome to Kamei.

Someone’s knee is blue. I think it’s Sayu’s, and if it is, then she just became the best-dressed person on this cover. Seriously!

Also, Koharu’s billowing dress is billowing no longer. So that’s an improvement. Though if she holds that pose any longer, she’s gonna get a crick in her neck.

And so, after about a page and a half of digression, let’s get onto…the album itself!

I’ll Cover You sucked about as much as I thought it would. (Which is to say: thoroughly.) I’m just not a fan of Pink Lady. Let me give you a quick overview:

Tracks That Are Not Even Worth Talking About

03. Izakaya. It came up on shuffle a few times before I listened to the whole album, and I skipped over it every time.

04. Pepper Keibu. But only because I’ve already talked about it. I don’t hear the difference in the album version, and I don’t care to.

05. Shiroi Chou no Samba. Snore.

07. Ringo Satsujin Jikan. The only thing I will say about this song is that I’d like for it to have a PV, and I would like the PV to feature Momusu in their “Iroppoi Jirettai” costumes, dancing the IroJire dance on a beach, with a hut and some palm trees in the background.

08. ROMANCE. Already talked about it.

09. Machi no Hikari. More snoring.

11. Pinponpan Taisou. It’s just weird. And not even good weird, just…weird. This is like Kirarin Revolution stuff, right here.

12. Johnny e no Dengen. It doesn’t how many songs you sing for him, girls, Johnny’s not going to stop JE and let you take over Oricon again. (Okay, I made that up. Whatever. What’s this song about, anyway? Do I even care?)

Tracks Only Sucked Mildly

01. Nagisa no Sindbad

- Those “ah-ah-ah-ah” things in the beginning are pretty catchy.

- They can actually pronounce the word “sexy”! I’m so proud!

- I think I might actually hear harmonies in this song, and I’m so so pleased.

02. Dou ni mo Tomoranai

- Interestingly enough, this was the name of W’s cancelled single. Same song? Maybe, maybe not. I kind of hope it was, because this song is…well, it’s okay.

- The intro is excellent.

- I love Risa’s crazy man-voice.

06. Seishun Jidai

- Well…I like the beginning. It kind of goes downhill after that. Reina sounds really good in this.

10. Koi no Dial 6700

- I actually like this song. I like the chanting the beginning. I like how everyone sounds. I like how upbeat and goofy it is. It’s just a fun song.

12. Watashi no Aoi Tori

- It…could be worse. Everyone sounds very pretty, and the music is mildly interesting.

14. UFO

- Because I mean, come on, it’s UFO. Even I like this song, and I pretty much just insulted the entire album. Probably my favorite track. Much love for UFO.

Now, obviously, I’m not a fan of Pink Lady — but this wasn’t just a Pink Lady cover album, so I guess I should change it to: I’m not a fan of Aku Yuu. But I think I should clarify in that it’s not the voices. It’s the music. I find it to be…weird, would be the best word. I said it in my Pepper Keibu recap, but it’s even more obvious here: the music is very jerky. It’s all over the place, it stops in weird places — nothing about this album really flowed for me. Aku Yuu seems to suffer from the same flaws as Tsunku: they have some gems, but a lot of their music is weird, and most of their slow stuff is boring. And listening to this album brought to my attention how prelavent the weird/boring problem is in H!P music as well. Not all of it, certainly, but a good amount of H!P songs seem to be either weird, or so normal that they’re boring. There’s a balance, and  most people don’t seem to have a problem finding it…except Tsunku and Aku Yuu, apparently.

Hopefully Tsunku will prove me wrong. Hopefully Platinum 9 ~DISCO~ will dazzle me so much that all I can see is John Travolta the amazingness that is Tsunku’s music when he tries. Because he really hasn’t seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.

…hereafter known as Dump His Ass, Stephanie!

Now, while “Here” was absolutely gorgeous in every respect, “Near” is still good in its own right. It’s the B-side, so it’s not as good as “Here” — it’s a bit more mainstream. But it’s still got its strong points, the PV being one of them. The “Near” PV has everything — bad English, cell phone obsession, swimming pools, ~drinking~, friendship, and Tenjochiki eyecandy. What’s not to love?

Stephanie calls her boyfriend and greets him by saying, “Hey baby.” I told you she was the ~seductive~ one.

The rest of the girls pick up their cell phones and they mostly wander around the PV clutching them to their hearts and looking sad. What is it with cell phones? Is it really so hard to just go see someone? I guess it’s forgivable this time, since they’re in Guam, but still.

Something about this video and song strongly reminds me of the Spice Girls. What? No, really. I can’t even tell you what it is. Maybe it’s the “I’m so lonely baby” parts, maybe it’s the finger-wave Sunday does later on…don’t do this to me, Tenjochiki.

Obligatory Dana eyecandy. It wouldn’t be a Tenjochiki post without it.

Lina honestly strikes me as the kind of person that would be really fun and goofy to hang out with, but if anyone messed with her friends, she’d kick their ass all the way back to Korea. Also, um, the sky out there looks kind of gray. Do you really want to be hanging around a pool in a sleeveless dress?

(Also, I love that she has a little glass on the table. You know, just in case.)

See, I told you it was cold out there. But does she listen? Noooo.

I love Sunday’s facial expressions in this PV. She keeps getting these shifty eyes, like, “Yeah, you’d better call me.” Sunday <3

Um… I, I don’t know what to say.
You said you’re gonna call me back.
But you never did! Well… I’m here, waiting for you.
I will call you later.

Dump his ass, Stephanie!

Dana is gorgeous. This screencap doesn’t serve any other purpose except to illustrate my point. Shallow? Chiakii? Never.

Sunday is so awesome in this PV. This is what you should be doing, Stephanie. “If you don’t call me, I’ll rip out your spine and beat you with it!”

I cannot express my love for Sunday properly. Have some screencaps.

Oh, Sunday.

Also, I take back my statement that Stephanie is the one that doesn’t do anything but speak bad English and sing during the bridge. Because she gets like a whole verse to herself here. She does have a good voice and I love her, but man, her character is lame.

“You’re not cheating on me, are you? You know what’ll happen if you do.”

Oh, Lina.

See, Stephanie, Lina’s thinking ahead. She’s already got the requisite boy-dumping celebration started.

Is that alcohol I see? I have to admit, being an H!P fan has made me quite sheltered. I love that there is drinking involved in this video.

Is that a cake? I really hope it is, because it looks delicious. I kind of want to be a member of this group now. I mean, come on — you get to drink, eat cake, and Lina throws you parties. It’d be awesome.

“To beating boys into submission and breaking up with them when they disobey!”

“Yeah, that’s the way to go!” Oh, Sunday.

They have really nice clothes. I’m just throwin’ that out there.

Happy birthday! Um, wrong video girls.

I predict that Lina and Sunday will be the only ones that will still have boyfriends after this PV. I love Dana, but she’s just as ;_; as Stephanie.

Then again, who would break up with Dana? Really now.

Lina was almost as awesome as Sunday here. Have some Lina eyecandy, she deserves it.

But Sunday, of course, is the queen.

I kind of missed the finger-wave Sunday does here, but she does one and it honestly gave me strong Spice Girls flashbacks. But I’ll forgive her, because she really brought the awesome in this PV. (Which is really hilarious, because I sort of made up the whole thing as I wrote this. It was all an accident.)

Baby. I know that things are might not be always good.
But remember, the most important thing is that…
we love each other. Right?
You are the only one of my life.
I will always love you and always be there for you.

Wait, what? Why aren’t you dumping his ass, Stephanie? This is a music video! You aren’t supposed to love him anyway! You’re supposed to break it off in a fantastically bitchy manner, then hang out with your friends and celebrate your newfound freedom!

Lina doesn’t believe it either.

And now, a subliminal message from the PV to go read my recap of “Here”, which you can do…here! (Look how subtle I am!)

You may not know this, but I am a fan of Tenjochiki. Tenjochiki is kind of like the female DBSK — they’re both managed under SM, they both work in Korea and Japan, and they both have several annoying acronyms that make it impossible to get the right tag on last.fm. Though they’re officially called “The Grace” in Korea, and “Tenjochiki” in Japan, they’re mostly referred to as CSJH, CSJH The Grace, TSZX, TSZX The Grace, and occasionally TJCK.

See what I mean about the goddamn acronyms?

That does not, however, change my opinion that this group is awesome. The four girls in this group can all actually sing, and they sound wonderful together.

Plus, you know…eyecandy. I never said I wasn’t shallow.

I’ve been listening to this group for…a while now. According to iTunes, their music has been in my library since January 19, 2008. (Um, holy crap, I’m only writing about them now?) Well, better late than never. I guess the reason is that they weren’t one of my SUPER favorite groups until recently. Their music was great and catchy and oh my God I’d forgotten what it was like to listen to a girl group that could actually sing, but it wasn’t among my favorites.

Well. That has all changed, because of this song.

I was initially wary of “Here”, because anything with random guys rapping automatically makes me suspicious. But a friend of mine convinced me to listen to it anyway, and I did…and wow. This song is beautiful. Beautiful, I tell you. And so is the PV. Man, you know, sometimes it’s good to break away from H!P and listen to music that actually has a budget.

Speaking of budget, let’s have a look at the PV:

This little girl is adorable. D’awww.

The girls are so gorgeous in this PV. Like, wow. Their dresses, their HAIR. But um, I still can only tell two of them apart. I can’t help it, guys. =/

Dana, my favorite…(Hilariously, I just looked her up and found out she and I share a birthday and are the same height. I didn’t even know that when I decided I loved her. It must be fate.)

Lina, who is also awesome.

…is that Stephanie or Sunday? I think it’s Sunday…okay, it’s Sunday. See what I mean about not being able to tell them apart? Even figuring out the members of Momusu wasn’t this hard…

And Stephanie. In spite of being in love with their music for a while now, I really don’t know much about the girls themselves. So my assessment of them will mostly consist of, “Oh my God she is so hot. Why is she so hot? Why can’t I be that hot? *sulk*”

One thing about listening to idol pop is that it really lowers your standards. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, necessarily — I’m definitely not as picky. It’s easier for me to sit back and enjoy music, good or bad, without thinking, “Oh, God, this is horrible.”

So when I hear music like this, a little part of me sits up and goes, “This is excellent.” It’s not just that the girls can all sing, it’s everything — the music is good, the rapping is well done — this is the kind of Japanese music I wouldn’t be afraid to play in public.

Dana, please come to my house and sing to me forever. I love her voice. It’s deep but it’s powerful, and she makes the words sound so pretty. Why do you do this to me?

I kind of can’t really tell Sunday and Lina’s voices apart. The first time I listened to the song without watching the video, I thought Sunday just kept singing into the first verse. Stephanie doesn’t really even do anything until the end. She gets like one word at the end of a verse. Oh, Stephanie.

Also, um, they kind of…over lip-synch here. Is that even possible? Like, they don’t need to move their head that much or do that thing with their mouths.

Hi, Lina, you are extremely attractive. I know some people don’t like your hair, but I personally prefer it this way. Mostly because now I can tell you apart from the rest of the girls.

What is up with this guy’s hair? What the hell did he do to it there?

Also, um, the first time I saw this, I was honestly totally surprised by how tan his neck was in comparison to his face. Whoever was directing the light failed.

I love Stephanie’s face here. Like, “Yeah, you and me, after the shoot. Behind the trailers, k?” Love her.

Dana, you are gorgeous. Stop making me love you so much. Stop it!

Have I mentioned how much I love this PV yet? Well, I’ll say it again. Just — everything about it. The costumes are pretty good — simple, but that works. All the girls look very pretty (their HAIR, akdg;aie’f). There’s a sense of delicacy about this video, in the music and in the direction. It’s like what UFA wanted to do with “Itoshiki Tomo e” but didn’t have the budget to.

dakg’ae’G'egh the Cliff Edge guy not only has that HAT, he also has a CANE. I really was trying to resist making pimp jokes, but man, it’s just being handed to me. Seriously! Look at him!

We’re nearing the end of the song, where Stephanie finally gets to bust out and show off her mad skills. Why is it that in Korean groups, there’s always one member that exists only to dance and do the English and rapping parts? Because that’s kind of Stephanie’s role, even though it’s not obvious here. (Just listen to “5cm”).

This is actually the song that brought me back to loving Tenjochiki. Not that I hated them or anything, but they weren’t one of my favorite, watching-their-every-move-waiting-for-their-next-awesome-song kind of groups. But this song…THIS SONG. Everything about it worked for me. There wasn’t any awkwardness. Nothing seemed out of place. Sure, there were a few flaws, because nothing’s perfect, but everything else was so good that I’m not even going to bother pointing them out. “Here” is just a wonderful song, plain and simple.

Also, I didn’t give Sunday and Stephanie enough love in my post. Actually, I was kind of a bitch to Sunday. When I talked about over-lip-synching, I was mostly talking about her. Which is unfair, because she really is a great singer and so cute besides. (Is it right for me to call someone 6 years older than me “cute”?) So, have some Sunday/Stephanie love. I’ll throw in a little bit of Lina, too, because I feel guilty.

And also, you know…Dana bias.

Oh, Momusu. And you really had me going there for a while, spazzing out, impatiently waiting your next move.

I don’t hate “Pepper Keibu.” But I don’t like it, either. It’s mildly catchy, and I have many good things to say about the PV (the legs of certain members, in particular), but the song itself?

Um. Sorry.

Now, first of all, this entire situation could’ve been subverted by not covering Pink Lady. I am not a fan of Pink Lady. I think both of its members are charming and awesome, but their music is just not my taste. I have not listened to all of Pink Lady’s music (they have quite a catalogue), but I went back and checked out the originals of several songs that were covered by W, as well as this song, and it just…didn’t interest me.

Now, if Momusu was covering Wink, I would’ve been screaming and jumping up and down for pure joy. I’d love to see them cover Onyanko Club (who were, really, the forerunners of Momusu) or CoCo.

Pink Lady…not so much.

If you are fan of Pink Lady, you will probably either like this or hate with the passion of a thousand burning suns. If you are a fan of Morning Musume and the ’70s, you will probably like this. If you are a fan of Takahashi Ai’s legs, then you will love this, marry it, and have eight babies with it.

While I love Takitty to death, I personally am more on the side of Iida Kaori’s gams, so I do not love this single. At all.

The song starts off pretty well. It makes you think, “Oh my God, are they going to disco? I’d love it if they discoed. Fuck yes, they are going to disco!” And the “PEPPAAAAA KEIBU!” is pretty catchy itself.

Then we get into the verses. Oh, dear, the verses. Much like “Resonant Blue” and “C\C”, the verses are a little disjointed. They don’t drag you around so much as they break where you don’t expect them to, they have that annoying “da da da da dadadada” thing going on between lines, and just, ugh, I don’t like them. Momusu’s never really been known for having traditionally catchy songs, but the verses have never bothered me as much as this.

And then! The prechorus! What the fuck are you doing here, Tanaka Reina? Why haven’t you been Friday’d yet? Didn’t the reporters learn anything from that tunnel scene in Resonant Blue?

The truth is, my interest in Momusu has been waning lately. I still love them, and I still consider them to be one of my favorite groups, but you know, you can never go wrong with a bit of Ayu and Aoyama Thelma’s actually got some pretty good stuff — I love and appreciate Momusu for what they are, and I still eagerly eat up everything H!P puts out. But Pepper Keibu, this album of Aku Yuu songs? I’m halfway tempted to ditch this post now and start working on my one about Elva Hsiao, that one that’s been on the backburner for eight months now.

I love H!P, and I’m not serious enough about it to quit and give up my fandom and my idols. I am a little upset because this is the first Momusu release that I’ve felt real disappointment in — I wasn’t around for “Hyokkori”, though if I was, I’m certain I’d have been writing a post just like this. Provided I had this blog in 2003, which I wouldn’t have, because in 2003 I was 10 and in no way ready to write a blog…I’m getting off topic here.

But the point of this post isn’t to be serious. This point of this post is to take my disappointment and weave a web of snark, rudeness, and comments of an ambiguous sexuality. Are you ready? Because I sure am!

However, in spite of my disappointment with Pepper Keibu, I do have one good thing to say, and that is: I like Takahashi Ai’s hair. Really. I know a lot of people think it makes her look like an old lady, and I really disagree. Her hair from the ONSA promo pictures made her look like an old lady. This isn’t half as bad. Sure, now that it’s growing out, her hair isn’t quite as “fuck yes, I am the leader and you will bow down to me, bitches” as it was when she first cut it, but it sure as hell isn’t as boring as her long hair, and I think it still looks quite cute here.

You know who’s hair I don’t like, though? Reina’s. I know you’re probably going, “Chiakii, you don’t like anything about Reina.” Well, I’m going to tell you something interesting: that isn’t true.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

ANYWAY, despite all the insults I throw at her, Reina does have some redeeming qualities for me. One: she is one of the better singers in the group. I’m not for all her winking, but I think her voice is better now than it was in “Shabondama.” I mean, come on. It’s been five years and you think she was better then? And two? She is really quite attractive.

Search your feelings, bloggers. You know it to be true.

However, there are two things that I cannot abide in Reina. Unfortunately, they are the two things she does most often. One is winking. The other is wearing her hair like this. It’s not that she doesn’t look cute, it’s just that she looks so, so much better with other hairstyles. And yet, this is the one she insists on wearing the most often. (Or her stylists insist on her wearing. Whatever.) It’s like Reina/Reina’s management is on a mission to get me to dislike her as much as possible.

The B-side, ROMANCE, doesn’t do much for me either. It starts out pretty good, but it goes downhill far too fast and turns into a slightly better version of Pepper Keibu. Yawn. Next time, cover some Wink. Hey, is their composer dead yet?

Now that I’ve gotten the unpleasantries out of the way…

YEAHHH KAMESHIGE. Seriously, I don’t know who’s been sacrificing small children to the Jpop God in my name, but by golly, keep doing it, because he is LISTENING. Look at that! Kameshige in two PVs in a row! It’s kind of unfortunate, though, that Sayu has a louder voice than Eri’s. I mean, anyone that’s ever heard of Sayu knows that she’s the second-weakest singer in Momusu (the arrival of Koha bumped her up from the worst…oh, Koha, I hate doing this to you, but it’s true), and yeah, she’s gotten better…but not better than Eri.

But who even cares about how bad she is? She’s adorable, and her “Peppa keibu yo~n” is the best part of this song. FOUR FOR YOU, SAYUMI MICHISHIGE.

I’m going to break here and say: whoa, KohaLin.

Oh, Eri, I just don’t know what to do with you. I want to like you, I really do, and your new hairstyle looks quite fetching on you…but where was that awesome personality you had three years ago? And you know, like I said, your new hairstyle looks quite fetching, but it was better short. You were better with short hair. Is the gene for boring contained in hair? That would explain a lot about Takahashi Ai…

I swear to you, I could not find a better picture of Risa. That should tell you something right there. She does next to nothing in this PV. I love the little beanhead, but…I mean, I don’t even know. The only person who got less love in this PV was Linlin. (Just writing that line broke my heart, you should know.) I can’t even dredge up something decent to write. Um, she looked a lot hotter doing that move in the actual PV. Yeah. God, this is sad. Let’s move on. This is just too depressing.

YEAHH SAYU. I love how she said that she was “in charge of yelling” (or something to that effect) in Morning Musume. It’s true that they don’t trust her to do much else with her voice. But I actually think her role is fine the way it is now. She’s eyecandy with a really cute speaking voice. Like Ishikawa Rika. Except less annoying.

Koharu looks so vapid in this cap. I swear I didn’t mean for her to come out that way. But, um, seriously, whoa. Am I the only one that has no problem with Koha going the sexy route? I can practically see her, Sayu, and Manoeri all becoming gravure idols who only sing for kicks. It’s not like she’s twelve anymore, guys. Also, she looks fantastic in this PV. The big-ass feather in her cap hair is much less obvious than on the other girls, since Koha’s hair is up. In fact, I’m gonna come out and say the UFA employee that chose Koha’s look for this PV might actually have been sober. Imagine!

FOUR FOR YOU, KOHARU KUSUMI! YOU GO, KOHARU KUSUMI!

Aika…is cute? God, I don’t know. I do not like her dress straps. The X thing is not working out for her. AND SHE STILL BORES ME. I think at this point, I have to give up and make it official: I don’t care about Aika. Iantoesque nose or not.

Junjun is also cute. She also bores me. I want to like her, but I keep getting distracted by the awesome that is LINLIN. I mean, really, Jun is very standard-Momusu-member — cute, can sort-of-kind-of sing, and slightly overemotional. She really doesn’t bring much to the table, both vocally and entertainment-wise, when compared to her baby-eating partner.

Speaking of which…

Remember how I said that the only member getting less PV love than Risa was Linlin? Uh, yeah. This was the best cap I could find of her. It’s okay Lin, I still love you. You can live in my closet, and I’ll feed you babies all day long.

Also, I love her hair. I think she looks really cute with it short.

In spite of everything, though, I love this dance and PV. The dance has some notable moves (like the PEPPAAAA…KEIBU! hand move) and it looks really good all together. The PV is very plain, but it has some cool effects (like the old-school screen in the beginning) and the girls look great. While I’m not a fan of the entire PV consisting of nothing but a stage and some lights, I think it works well for this purpose: paying homage to a group of ye olde ’70s. The group looks really into it, very smiley and energetic, which is a point in their favor — nothing is worse than unenthusiastic idols. I mean it. And it actually looks like some effort has been put into the idea: the beginning effect, the costumes, the lighting…

Then again, what does it say about the state of Momusu if something as simple as lighting makes us go OMG MOMUSU’S MOVIN’ UP?

And the costumes! They’re actually…dare I say it…flattering! Each girl has a slightly different style, to set them apart, and the dresses themselves aren’t hanging off of them, nor are they so small that even Koda Kumi would be embarrassed to wear it. The only point of contention is the weird peacock-feather thing they’ve got going on in their hair, but it’s not even half as obvious as most of their other headdresses, so I’ll just do a bit of underage drinking and ignore it.

(Note: I don’t drink, and I don’t think the 13-year-olds reading this blog should either. Just, um, a public service announcement.)

Another note of praise for the dance: this is one of the best ending poses in an H!P song I have ever seen. Awesome.

So, uh, Pepper Keibu left me feeling…underwhelmed. Then again, that’s what I’ve been feeling about H!P as of late. It’s not really BAD — I’d probably be more satisfied if it was really bad, because at least then I could write a really rude, WTF WAS TSUNKU SMOKING NOW? kind of recap, and work myself into an angry rage. I’ve never felt underwhelmed about H!P, whether good or bad, they’ve always whelmed me in one way or another. (What? I know.) But I’m just not into Aku Yuu, or Pink Lady, or even Takahashi’s legs at this point. And when you can’t be whelmed by Takahashi’s legs, you know something has gone wrong.

Better luck next time, right, Momusu?

This is probably one of the least interesting things I have ever written. Really. I nearly fell asleep writing it. In consolation, let me offer you this screencap. Make of it what you will.

However, looking at the recent spate of calendar cover snark, I’m gonna come out and say it:

I like C-ute’s calendar cover.

I know. I know you’re sitting there going, What the fuck are you smoking NOW, Chiakii? Well, my answer is nothing. Nothing at all. I mean, I did get this really excellent discount from Koharu the other day, but –

Huh? What? I mean — FOCUS HERE PEOPLE. THERE IS A FAN OF THE C-UTE CALENDAR COVER.

Now, I will not lie. It is cheap. It is politically incorrect. But that does not change the fact that Nakki and Kanna are pretty damn hot in those crazy clog-wearing-milkmaid-esque outfits (and they don’t look that bad, they’re very colorful, and I am a fan of color) and Erika looks lovely and elegant, despite the complete wrongness of her costume. Airi looks like those chicks in this TV saga of A Tale of Two Cities I was watching the other day, but she’s still pretty cute, in my opinion. And I have a thing for her hat. The idea to put them in outfits from all different cultures, while probably not having the desired effect, was still pretty good and the plain outside background draws your eye to the bright, colorful clothes of the girls.

Mai and Chisato…well, I can work up some anger at the cover in this case. Their clothes are cheap costume ripoffs of Chinese clothes, and there is no justification for those mini-baby bonnets on Chisato’s head, but Mai at least has an attractive facial expression. And Chisato…oh, Chisato. Better luck next time, sweetie.

Maimi would probably look better without the scarf, but she’s hot anyway. Maimi is always hot. And her dress is kind of cute, if I say so myself. So are her shoes. Is there a Maimi worship blog yet? Maybe I’ll start one.

…and reading back, I think I sort of accidentally ended up insulting the cover anyway. Whoops.